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Chicken or the Coop

13 May 2010

My cousin purchased three things from my shop over the weekend to give to his girlfriend.  How sweet, times two!

This week has been pretty good.  Work hasn’t been dragging as much as usual, and I’m starting to feel a lot more peaceful and patient about waiting for the Big Question.  I know J’d disagree {as I ask him about it every day! half teasing, half serious!}, but I think I’m finally able to live in the moment.  It’s nice to enjoy being part of a couple without always thinking ahead.

But I will say, I am nesting* big time!  Maybe baby before wedding?  What do you think?

{ Small plush owl, aprilfoss }

{ Small plush owl, aprilfoss }

I used to have strong feelings about having a child before having a wedding.  Not strong feelings like I’d say you’re a bad person if you have a baby first.  I just, personally, really did NOT want to have a baby first.  The way I thought of it was that it’s just not the. way. things. are. done.  But why?

I look around, and three of the most important people in my life were born before their parents were married.  In fact, they were in their parents’ weddings.  And I think, wouldn’t that be nice?  Wouldn’t it be nice if my memories of my wedding included my child(ren)?

{ Whale Love, TheBarberShop }

{ Whale Love, TheBarberShop }

I was talking to my mom the other day who very kindly reminded me that I’m a very black-and-white type person.  Very.  I don’t think you understand.  Very.  So I think that’s part of where my… lack of consideration to the idea of having a child before a wedding comes from.

{ Seuss April Knotted Dress, blumoondesign }

{ Seuss April Knotted Dress, blumoondesign }

But if you’ve met me, you’ve probably heard me say that J and I are already committed, that the wedding is just a chance to have a fantastic party and to receive a pretty ring.  So why does the baby need to come second?

Well, I’d like to have my own house, for one.  I think that’s a big one.  Two, … I was going to say, if you can follow the script, then why not? but that’s just not me either.  I don’t need a script to dictate my life.  I admit, the house is a biggie.  Do I really want to raise an infant in my bedroom at my mom’s house?  No.  Though a built-in babysitter(s) would be a score.

{ Turquoise and Green Duck Burp Cloth Set, browneyesbluebaby }

{ Turquoise and Green Duck Burp Cloth Set, browneyesbluebaby }

Another thing that gets me about having a baby is that – and this is going to sound strange, because you’re going to think, duh?, but hear me out – when you get pregnant, you’ve either tried to get pregnant or you’ve mistakenly gotten pregnant.  There’s no middle ground there.  So how do you decide as a couple that you’re ready?  I always think of space {ie house} and then money.  Would I need x amount in the bank to feel prepared for a baby?  Would I need x amount of space to have enough room for a baby?

Obviously much of this is a very personal thought process and choice, couple to couple and even person to person.  I wasn’t even planning to write about this, but now it’s gotten me really thinking.

Have you thought about your reasoning for determining when to have a child, if you have any?

*I really don’t like this expression.  It makes it sound like I’m a machine or a vessel.  Let’s change this.  Help me think of something cute.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. 13 May 2010 10:23 am

    First comes loves, then comes marriage… Then comes a house, a yard, a big dog, a refurbished kitchen, then baby. Haha!

    Just kidding. I think you bring up a really good point. When is the ideal time to have children? As much as I want to say there is no good time to have a baby, I really don’t want to believe it. We haven’t talked baby plans, but we definitely want at least one of us to have our master’s before.

    While my good friend was pregnant she was flipping out about getting the extra $3,000 a month it takes to raise a kid. It scared the hell outta me, not to mention her labor stories. WOWZERZ! But, I’ve also spoken to some women I work with and they tell me there is no perfect time. Even when it is planned I’m sure it feels scary and the parents feel unsure.

    But here’s my take on your personal situation- you and J are so in love, if you decide to or happen to have a baby before the wedding and that baby is raised in your mother’s house, that little bean is going to have so much love around all the time! My mom was very young when she had me and I was raised by her along with my grandparents in my grandparents home. And I turned ok out! I also was able to see my uncle’s wedding this weekend where his two little daughters got to see him marry their mom. In fact, my new aunt told me how excited the girls were to marry their mommy and daddy. Brings me to tears.

    So with that being said, go get pregnant! Just kidding… I really have no good advice because I wonder the same things. In fact, I told a friend today that I’m already breaking Josh in by telling him things like, “You’re a good cat-daddy.” and “Carrying my bag while I shop is a daddy job and you’re the daddy.” He laughs, but I’m kind of serious. I told you how we got engaged! It all starts as jokes then the seriousness sets in and there’s no turning back. I’m so evil.

    Ok, this comment is long enough. I could have just emailed you! Sorry!

    • 13 May 2010 1:31 pm

      I love your perspective – looking at future things like where to travel as a (married) couple, how to spend your free time together, not just thinking about mortgages, babies, holidays, etc.

      Annnnnnnd yikes, $3,000 a month? That’s insane. Considering I don’t even make that much now, I don’t think that’ll work out!

      And I know exactly what you mean about the joking. The “ha, we should have a baby” has turned into “ha, when we have a baby, we’ll name it x”, to “let’s get started on that baby tonight”. And it just progresses. There’s not much joking left to be had! But as much as I think it’d be cute to have a baby at my wedding, I’d rather it be out of my uterus, so I don’t think we’ll plan anything any time soon – not that I’m engaged! but you know what I mean.

      Happy FRIDAY!

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